Dashed!

I spent a good part of the year dating a girl, and something about being in a relationship sucks up time for other things like, oh, blogging. ;-) But I did get the website re-started for TigersDream, and that site has links to my Zazzle products and my eBay auctions, which are new this year.

Anyway, in September, I realized there were some things about the relationship that weren't working for me--as a dating relationship. It was an amicable breakup and we're still close friends.

I've been slow to get back in the dating game, and she's prompting me to do more, but going to the speed dating event last week was all my decision. I talked to 10 women, including the girl mentioned above, and put on my list that I would talk with anyone who put me down. I also put down two folks I enjoyed talking to and would like to talk to more.

And the results are in: no matches. This means both that none of the 9 women I talked to wanted my contact information, and the two women I found interesting felt they had good enough prospects to not take anyone.

And... I'm really disappointed. Sad, disappointed, grieving, and frustrated.

It's not that I need more people in my life. It's that I'd like to find someone who sees what my friends see and is available for dating. But I don't know how to get more of what they see out into the public eye. I did try a couple new things this time: I looked for Artisan primaries and marked them down instead of the exciting Priests. I made every effort to not promise I could be anyone/anything they wanted (my usual pattern... start as a chameleon and then disappoint them as maintaining the agreeable exterior becomes too tiring).

The self-talk in my head says, "See! You should have known better!" (I hear this in the stereotypical New York Jewish Mother accent.) Whoever that woman is, she really doesn't like me. She's convinced I'm plain and difficult and not suited for human company. She sounds like the woman down the street who used to yell at us when we stumbled onto her lawn from where we were playing at the house next door. And I know the words come from real people too… a composite sketch of negative things people have said to and about me over the years. I wish the composite sketch of all the positive things was just as interesting and quick to come up in the internal movie theater.

Anyway. I’m at mid-relationship level in a world full of people who are operating lower than that. I want something more than a status quo relationship. And I’m interested in meeting people in their true energies and out of mine. I am really tired of disappointing people. Which is really about how often I’ve shown up outside of my intrinsic energies.

I’m in scarcity about being met in this way, and so I’m manifesting lots of scarcity. So, I guess the trick is to change the story.

• The “It wasn’t all bad” story: Not making a connection for dating through this process actually doesn’t mean I didn’t make connections. I did enjoy conversations with 4 women I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to before. I could talk to any one of those nine women in another environment and be quite comfortable.
• The sour grapes story: Of those 9 women, three were too distant to have a good connection with.
• The “numbers game” story: There were 30 women in my age range I didn’t get a chance to talk to. I wonder who I’ll meet next time.
• The “woe is me” story, dynamic version: *&%! ‘em all.
• The “woe is me” story, disarming verion: Well, I guess the person I was supposed to meet wasn’t there.
• The “woe is me” story, distant version: Yeah, whatever. I have better things to do with my life.

Okay. Recognizing they’re stories is a step toward getting playful and getting the positive energy I need to try on new beliefs.